i'm done

i don't know where to start.

my whole Christian life has been this: victory, followed by "defeat." not defeat in the sense that i have been overcome and killed, but more of a spiritual defeat in that i get discouraged. this "shouldn't" happen because we have been given new life in Christ; yet it still happens because on earth we are human. we have the disease of sin, and it won't leave us until God calls us to heaven.

one who has been following my blogs would think that i'd be in a state of constant victory. so would i. so many times i hear God speaking directly to me, and then forget about it the next week. i don't want that. i don't want to win the battle against sin, i want to win the war against it.

i'm done.

God i can't do this. i need you. i need Your strength to fight for me. i need Your love to comfort me. i need Your arms to hold me when i'm scared and weak. You've told me who i am, i'm Yours. in You i can take refuge.

so as of tonight i'm done. today i had all this going through my head, and it wasn't good (in the sense of doing and pursuing what is truly "good"). i'm done worrying about it and having inner turmoil over this stuff. at hume lake, 3 years ago, my pawn eric had us write our sins on a piece of paper, and then burn it. so that's what i did again.

but this time was different.

this was of my own doing, not because it was the "camp-thing to do." i meant it.

as i watched this list burn, God told me something. He told me that burning is exactly what those sins lead to. it went from something white, harmless, innocent.. to fire, violence, and ultimately death. the fruit of those sins are death, and my Savior has defeated death.

it's not my fight anymore, it's God fighting through me and for me because He loves me and wants me closer to Him.

Psalm 23

23:1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.
3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.