it's my turn for an epiphany

so i'm in the middle of this beautiful epiphany and i can't pass up a chance to express it in words, for my beloved friends and family to experience with me.

In the past 20 minutes, my entire understanding and ideas of grace and love have changed.

My whole life, i've been taught that sinning is bad. GOd doesn't like sin. i want to do what makes God happy, so i don't like to sin. i try not to.

the church i "attend" is reformed, almost fundementalist but not to the extreme. the main vibe i've gotten from this church is that "everybody sins, God doesn't like sin, but there's grace that covers it up. oh yeah, but don't sin."

i like my church. i like the pastors at my church. i trust what they say because they preach the word of God. they are men after GOd's own heart.

but lately i've been asking myself the question, "does this have to be so hard? does this christian walk have to be so draining? why don't i have joy in the good news that i believe in?" why?

today i realized that my focus has been on not sinning. how can i be focused on GOd when i'm focused on something else?

i know what grace is. but in my pride, i wanted to do right for God. i wanted to not sin so that He wouldn't have anything reason to dislike me.

my problem is that i have difficulty accepting grace. i have been too proud to accept His grace.

i came to these realizations by reading this book "Blue Like Jazz."

people in my church movement would probably make haste to lay hands on me and pray for my salvation. i laugh about it. but one thing i can say: this book has changed my life more than any deep book on complex theology has ever come close to doing.

in summary so far, here is my life. not sinning --> either joy or struggle (i'm still human) --> giving glory to God for forgiving my sin --> repeat.

that process is exhausting because it depends on me for all but the last part. how can i come close to God when i'm so focused on myself?

the fix to my problem? accepting God's love and grace....freely. people say "there is no such thing as a free lunch." well today i realize that statement is false. there is only one true lunch, and God is the chef, waiter, and busboy. and the lunch is a feast. yeah it's that cool.

so i'm done being above the grace of God. i'm done having this pride that won't let me accept anything, without doing something in return.

"Our 'behavior' will not be changed long with self-discipline, but fall in love and a human will accomplish what he never thought possible. I think what Rick [a character in the book] said is worth repeating that by accepting God's love for us, we fall in love with Him, and only then do we have the fuel we need to obey. In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom. And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion."

so i want to be a beggar now. someone who has nothing but what is given to him. someone who relies on God because I can't do anything on my own. this idea of being the perfect christian goes away when i realize that i can't do anything perfectly; only I am perfected when I realize my inability and go to God for fulfillment and completion.

there's this girl that i had been reaching out to the past few months. she was broken and hurt. i wanted to show God's love to her, and let her understand that He doesn't need anything in return.

I don't know if she fully grasped what was being communicated. i deleted her number from my phone after a ''falling out.'' she texted me a few days ago, and it stored her number in my phone as "Not Saved."

but this hit me. maybe i'm the one who doesn't fully understand the free gift of love and grace. the one who was trying to show it doesn't fully understand it himself.

in humbling myself today, i am beginning to grasp what this free gift really means. i feel like i've pressed the "restart" button on my faith, and it's looking so promising and freeing.

I love you for taking time to read this. Ask me about it if I see you sometime. I need to be reminded of it.

God thank you for humbling me. Thank you for loving me enough to open my eyes to this. Thank you for drawing me closer to you every day, even if I don't feel it. I confess my pride, but I rest in your grace which you freely give me. I love you. Thank you for loving me.