I don't know

Oh Lord, God of our Fathers
This day, let it be known
That you, Lord, are God of the present tense

Oh Lord, Father of history
This day, let it be known
That you, Lord, are present in a human event

Answer me, oh Lord
Let your people know
That you're turning our hearts back to you
Turning our hearts back to you
You are turning our hearts back to you
Again
Again

Holy, holy
You alone are true
Holy, holy
You alone are true
Turn this back towards you

Answer me, oh God
Let your people know
That you're turning our hearts back to you
Turning our hearts back to you
You are turning our hearts back to you
Again


No matter where I turn, where I run, or how hard I try to hide, God brings me back every time. The means by which He does so may be different each time, but He is faithful and shows me grace when I don't deserve. Isn't that why grace is so sweet though? When we don't deserve it, sometimes when we don't even want it, He says "But I love you and want you."

I know the "Christian Life" has its peaks and valleys, but I never would have thought they'd be so randomly spaced apart and seemingly vertically unlimited. God has given me so much to think about right now. At the same time, He's given me comfort and some people with good and honest input that I've been needing to hear, and not willing to admit to myself. I love my sister. She is really like my older sister actually. Probably because she acts older and carries herself like she's older, and is the one who gives advice in our relationship. But I'm not complaining because I'm the one who is the recipient of her wisdom, and I know she loves me with her whole heart and truly wants the best for me. That word 'best' is still something I've been thinking about. Actually, NOT thinking about it it what I've been doing it seems.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quiet streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Your shepherds staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Will follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever

This year so far can be summed up by the phrase, "I don't know." Take anything in my life, and it can be applied to that. Relationships, school, work, family, everything. I've been praying both earnestly, and out of complete desperation, looking for answers. I'm getting answers now, and they're making me sad. Sad because choices that I am making will hurt people I love. I don't love many people. Hurting someone I love is the one thing I never want to do; never have wanted to do nor planned to do. It's hard to believe something that feels so right, can turn out to be something God is saying, "No" to. I haven't been letting myself come to that realization. I have been suppressing what I know to be the right thing, and listening to my heart. Faithful, true, loving friends have helped me and encouraged me. Kelly has given me thoughts and wisdom that are priceless and straight from God. He is using them to realign my train that has gone slightly off the tracks. Most of the times, I don't realize that I've gone off the tracks until it's too late. This time God stopped me before it went that far. I came close, and that is an understatement. But God (my favorite two words in the whole bible)....God has seen me in my helpless state, and has comforted me and turned my heart back to Him, where it belongs.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blessed assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

I am basically emptied now. That was really all that's been on my heart and mind. I know I didn't actually type that much, but it is what I've been most consumed with. Now I'm off to live in freedom. Freedom in Christ is quite possibly the best thing ever. Well it is. Realizing that someone loves you unconditionally, no matter your condition towards Him, and that His love is so vast that He wants to die for you to prove it.....well that's just something great. Not many words can describe it. Words don't do it justice. I'll stop.

"It takes courage to love, because we all know loving means you will be hurt. Repeatedly." -Winston Churchill