I died

I don't really know where to start; same as every other time I think about writing. there's so much I want to talk about, but I don't know how to organize it.

This summer, I renounced my faith in god. I was fed up with everything that my faith was practicing and was about. I realized that it was a cover for person I'd pushed so far inside of me that I didn't know he existed. Call it a poser, wannabe, whatever.

This religion I had and this god I served was essentially a list of do's and don'ts, and a divine being who I had to make sure I was in good terms with. You're good if you don't mess up..so I didn't mess up; but it was more like "I didn't let anyone else know I messed up." It was lonely.

This summer, I realized that I was done with it. I was done beating myself up over such a difficult portion of my life. Life would be easier if this wasn't a part of me. This part of me was the sole source of pain in my life, so I pushed it out of my mind and being. I felt like god's beaten stepchild. I cut this huge chunk out of my life, and there was a giant hole inside of me. Now my problem was that I have a hole in me. I didn't fill it with anything bad; I didn't fill it at all. I just left it there and thought about things the whole summer.

Spiritually, I decided to die. Yes, it was my decision...I had died.

But my Jesus is in the business of bringing dead things back to life.

In the process of renouncing my faith in god, I stumbled upon the real, living God. For my whole life, I could never really distinguish between the two; and for once in my life, I was finally able to. I hadn't really expected it to be honest, but the whole time I was thinking this summer, I could feel Him calling me. I resisted for a long time because I thought it was my renounced god calling me. What I realized is that it wasn't the "checklist god." It was this God who wanted a relationship with me and wanted to overflow me with love.

God want's a relationship with me? What? Since when?

It was hard to change from the mindset of doing to the mindset of being. I'm still struggling with it. Ever since this change in my heart happened, I have felt more free than ever before, and more in love with this God who loved me first. He loves me enough that he broke me this summer. I have been praying for Him to break me for the last few months, but I never realized how alone I would feel. I'm glad that He did though, because I now know Him deeper and more fully than I ever have before.

So I've started The Great Adventure. I'm learning about my identity as Abba's beloved child, and learning more about God's love for me. It's great. Let's talk about it some time?

peace and love.