meh

i don't even know where to start. honestly. i usually resort to lyrics to describe what i'm feeling at the moment. i have so many feelings and cant usually put them to my own words. it also lets me think i get away with saying something because they aren't my words, even if it's what i'm thinking and feeling. fyi i'm not suicidal or anything...i just get serious sometimes. it's not wrong or bad or anything. it's just me. i've been more on the serious side lately. i have reason to.

this summer, for the first time, i felt love. i know it was love because i'm still hurting. it's been almost 3 months of hardly talking....and many states away....and i still feel it. i met the most amazing person i've ever met, and shared the most enjoyable and unique friendship i've ever had. we made it something more after a bit. it was probably just me not thinking...or acting on an impulse. i don't know if it was the right decision, but i'm so glad that i made it. i can't begin to describe the joy and happiness that i felt when we were together..or apart. just knowing that someone else was thinking about you the same way you were thinking about them...it's just awesome haha. it went from friendship to something very special to me..pretty fast; but that didn't matter either. it was the best summer i've ever had, guaranteed. i was able to just let my guard down...take down the walls...and be just me. and she liked me more for doing so. i haven't done that with anyone except my family, so it was special. i know you felt the same way...because you told me. as forrest gump says.. "we was two peas in a pod." :) good times

but most good times come to an end. sadly. i knew you were leaving, and i was doing everything i could to change your mind. deep down i knew i couldn't...but i hoped i could. i wanted the absolute best for you. i would have done *anything* for you to have it. and that's what it came down to. you had priorities...and i wanted those for you. i wanted you to be happy....and i'm glad you are. i wanted the best for you, despite what it would do to me. and i don't regret that either. i haven't been the same since. people have noticed. this summer...i saw rainbows. my black and white world suddenly shone when you stepped in. going back to black and white was hard. it's still hard. but i'm not mad at you. i don't blame you. i knew what i was getting into fully...and i knew what was probably going to happen. i hold myself responsible, i hope you realize. that's all. i could go on much more, but i'm barely holding it together right now anyways..so i'll stop.

sorry if you freak out when you read it. but it's me, and you like me if you can read this :) and fyi i went easy on yall up there ^^^

here goes my lyrics and the videos for them.
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it's not that i'm a man who couldn't love you. i know what these arms are for. please don't go, please don't leave me alone. a mirror is so much harder to hold.

A Mirror is Harder to Hold - Jon Foreman
You could stay a while longer

We could stay up and talk about last summer

We could go down to the water, watch the sunset goin’ under

Its not that I’m a stranger to lonely moments

I’ve had my share of those

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone

A mirror is so much harder to hold


I could try to point a finger

But the glass points in my direction

Sure you’ve got your sharp edges but my wounds are from my own reflection

You’ve got nothing I could ever hold against you

Ive got fatal flaws to call my own

Please don’t go, please don’t leave me alone

A mirror’s so much harder to hold


I met a man who was looking for perfection

Said he’d never met a girl who was good enough

His eyes are getting old like they’d love to love again

Such a lonely man

Such a lonely man


I see him in my reflection taking steps toward me these days

So I hold you that much closer and pray we don’t throw this away

It’s not that I’m a man who couldn’t love you

I know what these arms are for

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

Please don’t go please, don’t leave me cold

A mirror’s so much harder to hold

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Pretend - Secondhand Serenade



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In My Arms - Jon Foreman